Look at the camera Alfie!

You know what else pisses me off? When at a wedding, you spend a lot of time people watching, especially the kids - kids make for great photos as they are not putting on aires and graces for the situation at hand, unlike all the wannabe middleclass monkeys with their suits from Burtons and their dresses from New Look. No, kids are great, especially for candid photography - watching them for a few minutes normally yields some great results...  So you can understand how much it fucks me off to discreetly watch a child play (not as creepy as I am making it sound) only for the Grandmothers, Aunties, Mothers (usually a female relation) spy me lining up the shot, walk over to the kid and say "Look at the camera!!!"


NOOOOOOOOOO!!!, you fucking ruined my shot, if I wanted a shot of some ugly kid gurning at my lens then I could of quite easily called over to the little shit in question and got the kind of shit snapshot that all the fucking guests have been taking all day.

Just let me get on with my job and you carry on enjoying the day.. OK? Deal?  Good.

Wow! Great images - you must have a really good camera!

Thats right idiot! I dont know why I even actually come to the weddings anymore as its the camera that does all the work - I could give the camera to any talentless monkey and they would get exactly the same shot.

Think about it dickhead, thats like saying J.K.Rowling must have a shit hot typewriter.  Seriously, if she gave you her typewriter I am sure you`d be knocking out multi-million selling books in next to no time. Also, Eric Clapton  must have a great guitar - just think of how well you would play if you had his `axe`..

Starting to catch my drift now idiot?

Can you Photoshop that out?

Photoshop.

Its a marvellous piece of software. It has managed to work its way into everyday conversation, in fact it has almost transcended its Adjective status to becoming a verb in its own right (To Photoshop) although Adobe try to discourage this wherever possible.

However, most clients seem to think Photoshop consists of a big red button on your screen that reads "Press here to make photo better".

I was shooting a wedding the other day and Mother of the Bride was a bit concerned about her double chin - the bride offered her encouraging words such as "Don`t worry, the photographer will be able to Photoshop that out".

Mother of Bride turn to me and says.. "Really? What can you do about my chin?"

Well, maybe I could put you on a diet and make you do some more fucking exercise, that would be a start.

You see, I could Photoshop a turd - but it would still, essentially, be a turd.

Selective desaturation - A Post-processing technique for Pikey Scum.

Lets gets this out of the way - if you are one of those wedding photographers who post-process your B&W images by means of the `convert to grayscale` option then get the fuck off this webpage - go on, fuck off - you`re an embarrassment to the craft and you`re not welcome here. However, if you are one of those photographers who offer B&W images with little bits of colour here and there (like the bouquet or confetti - or even in the case of some of you, the Bride and Groom in colour and the guests in B&W) then as you remove your sorry ass from this page keep on walking and throw yourself in front of the nearest bus.

I don't offer it - why? Its tacky tacky shit my friends. I visited a couple the other night at home who wanted to book me and halfway through the visit and going through my awesome sample albums they said.

"Oh, do you do those pictures where the whole image is B&W apart from some items in colour, we love that.."

I came right out there and said No. We don't do tacky shit like that - photographers who do that are morons who deserve to have their cameras smashed over their stupid ignorant heads and clients who want it should join them (although I said it a bit more tactfully than that, although my point was clear).

"Could you do it?"

Of course I could - any fucking monkey with a copy of Photoshop could do it. The question is - Will I do it?

ERRRRR... NO.

Because you see, its truly is an abomination - I will argue this fact with any photographer out there and I will win the argument.

If you do offer it then I would love to know WHY you think it is so great - leave some links to some of your samples and I will tear them apart.

Group shots - all you need to do is look at the fucking camera.

OK, I hate group shots at the best of times. I understand that a few are a necessary evil and its always a good idea to get a few shots, especially of the older guests, lets face it, this might be the last time they are all together before the Reaper comes a-knocking for them. However, trying to have every conceivable combination is a waste of your time, my time and to be honest, no cunt will ever look at them. Heres an example list I was emailed the other week - I have edited it down so I dont kill you with boredom.

1. Bride + Groom + Grooms Brother
2. Bride + Groom + Grooms Brother + Partner
3. Bride + Groom + Grooms Brother + Partner + Children
4. Bride + Groom + Grooms Sister
5. Bride + Groom + Grooms Sister + Partner
6. Bride + Groom + Grooms Sister + Partner + Children

and heres the kicker.

7. Bride + Groom + Grooms Brother + Grooms Sister
8. Bride + Groom + Grooms Brother + Partner + Children + Grooms Sister + Partner + Children

FOR FUCKS SAKE!!

Then just repeat that with parents, brides retarded siblings and you are wasting your wedding day away with these pointless fucking photos. And the most annoying thing - all the people mentioned above have to do is stand and look at the camera.. thats all - but can they achieve those most basic of tasks?

CAN THEY FUCK!!

Two jobs - stand and look - STAND AND LOOK.

Trust me, it really isn't that fucking hard. And then they have the audacity to moan the shots are taking too long. Tell you what, meet me halfway on this one - ask for less shots, they will take less time. Simple as!